Watching Transformers 3 - Dark Side of the Moon, I came to the conclusion that Michael Bay ought to make a big budget, live action version of Legend of the Overfiend next. I say that with some seriousness for the following reasons:
1)Clearly, Bay's greatest passion is shooting beautiful women. In this flick, he introduces the token beautiful woman (a Victoria's Secret model!) with a gorgeously lit, low angle shot of her ass and creamy thighs. When she appears a little later in another scene, the dialog heard over a shot of her is "What a beautiful box!" I kid you not. The line is referring to a box someone is holding, but this is Bay's sledgehammer subtle attempt to ease some sleaze into a PG-13 film. He succeeds.
It must be so frustrating for the man to have to make films like this when all he really wants to do is make big budget porn.
2)Bay's second greatest passion is destroying property and people. He has an affinity for special visual effects and his quality control criteria (where special effects are concerned, at least) is thorough. This film has some arresting, visually spectacular sequences that, momentarily, help us forget the tedious in-betweens like character interaction. Some of the outer space footage echoes the otherworldly vistas seen in the animated Overfiend, and it's not a stretch to hypothesize that Mr. Bay gets a big, purple stiffy for space!
3)The Bay-meister needs new material that is not based on a toy. You can only do so much with a toy's backstory, and here they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Overfiend, which does have a denser backstory than the current film under discussion, would provide the director with more than enough material to play with.
4)At its base, Overfiend mixes outer space, destruction of property, and the wholesale rape and penetration of women of a youthful persuasion. It goes about as far as intergalactic rape can go with females being bounced on industrial strength fucking machines and bodies ripped apart at the point of orgasm.
Michael Bay, this is your life, brother!
Or your future, anyway, if you decide to embrace your true nature and quit living a lie.
Go on, you know you want to.
Aside from the above-mentioned assets, Transformers 3 is a stinker. The biggest deficit is the Shia LeBeef character. Not only is he an arrogant, irritating asshole, he's irrelevant to the story. In this outing, it's so obvious that writer Ehren Kruger struggled valiantly to make The Beef matter. Crikey, the initial scenes with him feel like they're from another movie entirely.
We crosscut between the 'Transformers' story and nonsensical, attempted comedy involving LeBeef looking for a job. He also exchanges horrendous dialog with the new token vagina (a lovely British lass), and gets hassled by his parents (his mother looks and acts uncannily like Bam Margera's mom). Eventually, the two stories, if you can call them that, are forced to blend. That means injecting LeBeef and his rotten stage presence into a military operation. He then does stuff like telling special ops guys what to do and making reckless decisions that keep him in the story. Honestly, the little fucker isn't needed. He's a non-essential. He's like a key ring on a condom. Maybe he's there because he puts bums on seats? These days, that really is hard to believe. Would 'Transformers' diehards picket the next film if LeBeef wasn't aboard for it. I doubt it. In fact, I'd wager they'd applaud any decision to oust LeBeef.
In case you're wondering, yes, the film still features the annoying, "hilarious" sidekick robots; director/actor John Turturro embarrasses himself and earns a great paycheck; and hideous, jingoistic dialog is mouthed by military, government, and mechanical spokesholes. The robot battles go on and on until they're like wallpaper, and the token vagina never gets her lily white clothes dirty, even though she's pouting about in a filthy war zone.
I really don't know who this movie is for. Audiences went to it in throngs, but did any of them actually enjoy it, or was it just another oversold lemming event?
Michael Bay, it's time to right your wrongs through interstellar penetration.
Unzip your creativity and go for it, dude!
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